Thanks, you.
The hospital nurse said “Take it easy for a few days. After an accident, your body might feel sore, like it’s been hit by a truck,”
I said, “It was hit by a truck.”
This is what we do when we get home after an accident:
Wrap yourself in a shawl.
Put on warm, thick socks.
Brush your teeth.
Make peppermint tea.
Lie in the grass, and watch the evening storm roll in. See a bird toss around in the clouds, and yell out, “Be careful!” because everything with a heartbeat feels too fragile.
“Enter through the wound/lie down on the floor/of your determined heart” as the poet said.1
Sing. “Levii’s Jeans.” “Both Sides, Now.” Doesn’t matter.
Cry. Ask Why. Despair. Decide To Give Up. Decide To Try. Decide To Die. Decide To Live. Decide To Capitalize Everything Because What Are Rules Anyway?
Drift to sleep in the grass, and startle awake with a body-reenactment of metal crunching metal and wish your body kept the score of the first time you held your first, second, and third babies with the same veracity as it keeps the score of violence.
Feel your chest tighten, and tell your body it’s fucking stupid. Tell it it’s fucking brilliant. Tell it thank you through tears and hyperventilation. Thank the tears; thank the hyperventilation.
Tell the sky, thank you.
Tell bird, tree, grass, dirt, spider, dead animal under my deck, thank you.
Thanks, you.
Drink lots of water.
Take an Epsom salt bath.
Cry some more and taste blackberries.
Don’t let the list end.
I’ve become the annoying person who tells other people how much I love them, all the time. All the time, I say I love you. I love you to my mom. I love you to my kids, my friends, my neighbor, my friends. I say it so much I wonder if the words will lose their meaning.
I guess, only if I lose the feeling. Which, I don’t think I will.
Because, it’s not a feeling. It’s a reality. Love is what IS. Everything else is extraneous. Love is what’s left when you take away the distractions. Love is what’s left, after loss.
“what to do when your heart breaks” by Cleo Wade, from her book Remember Love.